For my dad's 40th day, prayers and masses were dedicated to him by all of his family that is located all over the world. Thanks to Facebook, I've been able to reconnect, and in some cases, "meet" some family from his side for the first time. It was nice to see that they posted about the goings on in their areas in honor of my dad. I saw that masses were dedicated to my dad in not only different areas of the Philippines, but also in Dubai and Australia, to name a couple. In the Philippines, where most of my dad's side of the family lives, they probably will never be able to come to America to visit my dad's grave...so what they've done is added my dad's name to his dad, my paternal grandfather's tombstone. My uncle in the Philippines posted this picture of it on Facebook:
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| My dad's name was added to his father's tombstone in the Philippines so that his family there will have a place to visit in his memory. Antonio was my grandfather that I never got to meet, but I hope that I can go to the Philippines with my family some day to visit him at the cemetery, as well as the rest of the family living in the Philippines. |
I really hope that I can get the opportunity to visit my dad's side of the family in the Philippines and be able to visit family at the cemetery too. I'm so sad that I never got a chance to return to the Philippines with my dad while he was alive. I know that was something he was always hoping to save up enough money for. He wanted to be able to take me and my brother and sister to the Philippines to meet his family, especially his mom. She has only seen my brother and sister in pictures, and the last time she saw me, I was only a year old. I hope to be able to go there to visit them and hopefully bring Michael and Abbie too. Michael knows how important to me it is to visit there, and it helps to know that he wants to go too.
Anyways, getting back to my dad's 40th day here, my family did not do anything yesterday, besides go to visit him at the cemetery. However, today we are going to go to my dad's apartment, where his wife had arranged for the priest who did his funeral to come over and hold a special mass in honor of dad inside the actual apartment. In that apartment was where my dad was when he suffered from his stroke, so my dad's wife just wants the place to be blessed in his memory. I believe that while we are there today, my siblings and I will get the opportunity to get some things of my dad's for us to keep. I've never been to their apartment before, especially because they had just recently moved there. I'm kind of anxious and nervous about the whole thing because I'm sure that seeing everything of his will only make me more sad and bring back memories of him that will remind me how much I miss him. After that, though, my dad's old co-workers from Torrance Memorial Medical Center are having a very similar mass and celebration in my dad's memory at someone's home that we will also be attending.
I'm really anxious right now, and just really sad. It seems that just about every day here are points where my emotions really overwhelm me and I need to have a couple minutes to cry. I miss my dad so much. Literally everything reminds me of him. I try not to show it to my family, and no one other than Michael really knows how I've been feeling, but I've just been really sad. I keep thinking of the things I should have told my dad before he passed away. It's not like we were on bad terms. In fact, right before he died, things were really great, especially because I know excited he was about Abigail being born. But still, I wish I could have really let him know how much I love him. How important he is to me. And how thankful I am to him for every thing he's taught me and done for me. Although we had some difficulties in our relationship, he had really worked hard to mend things between us and things had gotten so much better. I should have told him so many things, but I just didn't get a chance because I assumed that maybe he'd already know how I felt, or maybe I had time to tell him later on down the road. But now he's gone and I won't be able to tell him those things. It's depressing to have regrets once someone is gone. I had heard all those cliches about how you need to live your life to the fullest...or to live each day as if it was your last....and how you shouldn't miss an opportunity to tell someone that you love them. I wish I would've listened and done those things. I really hope that I learn from that now, and start living my life more in that way.
Ugh. I still feel really crappy and sad. 40 days or not, I miss my dad and while "40 days" should mark the end of mourning and grieving, I doubt that will be true for me. Not by a long shot.
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| My dad & me in the Philippines when I was about 6 months old |
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| Last family picture we took all together from Christmas 2010 |
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| My dad meeting my baby for the first time |
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