Sadly, once this weekend is over I'll have to go back to work again, and this time, I won't be able to have them with me. I've felt this anxiety about being away from my baby for quite some time now. I think it first started the night we were discharged from the hospital after she was born. Michael's mom & stepdad had brought us home from the hospital and told us not to hesitate calling them if we needed anything at all. Little did we know that we would be calling them later that night. It was supposed to be our first night at home as a family....but things changed as soon as I got a call from my brother telling me that my dad had had a stroke and was being rushed to the hospital. At first I didn't want to leave, and prayed that it wasn't anything major. He had had a "mini-stroke" before, and was just kept in the hospital overnight to be observed. But within the hour, I got another call from my brother telling me that I NEEDED to come to the hospital right away because things were very bad and my dad would need surgery to clear out the blood that was filling his brain. My brother, who is usually very serious and reserved with his feelings, was crying and he told me that the doctors told him that they were going to do all that they could, but they weren't even sure if he would survive the surgery. Knowing that you really shouldn't bring a newborn baby to the hospital to wait in the emergency room, we knew that we couldn't bring Abigail with us. I felt so torn because I had just brought my baby home for the first time, and now I had to leave her already. I didn't want to leave--- but on the other hand, my dad was rushed to the hospital after having a severe stroke and was dying. There was no question that I needed to be there. That's when we called Michael's mom & dad back and asked them to watch the baby. You can only imagine how much my heart hurt that night. In case you didn't know or may have forgotten, because of the complicated delivery, I had separated my pubic bone and wasn't even able to walk. I had the use of a walker, and even making my way out of the car and up the stairs to our apartment took almost 40 minutes when we first came home. But that night, the rain was pouring down and I hurried down the stairs and into the car in less than 10 minutes. I was so numb from what was going on inside my head that I didn't even stop to think about the fact that I was in physical pain. The sad part is, that although we hurried, we didn't make it to the hospital in time to see my dad before he went in for surgery. My brother asked the doctor to wait for me, but they couldn't wait any longer and they needed to take him in. When we got to the hospital, we sat in the waiting room for hours. I didn't sleep at all that night. All I could think about was my dad and my baby. I think it was around then that I started to get my separation anxiety. As my dad's condition worsened over the next few days and until he passed away, Abigail was the reason that I was able to keep my head straight and cope with everything. My dad's last words to me were to take good care of her. And I think I took all the sadness I felt and channeled it into love towards her. Whenever I missed my dad, I'd put that energy into taking care of her. Take all of those feelings, plus the normal bond a mom has with her baby and what do you get? Apparently that's what I have.
Anyways, in the weeks leading up to this, I've been making a list of things to help me feel better about leaving my baby to go to work. This is what I have come up with:
- I should be thankful that I've been able to have this much time off with her, and still have a job to go back to! I've been out of work since April 1st. I started my maternity leave 4 weeks before my due date. She was born on May 13th, and is a little over 14 weeks. In total, I've had almost 20 weeks off of work....and I still have a job! In fact, not only is my job safe, but as soon as I go back, I get my tenure! I'm tellin' you...it's all about timing! As a teacher, if you get pregnant in the summer, you go out on maternity right around spring break and you can ride it through until summer vacation! I'm so lucky it all worked out that way for me! :)
- Every one works. It's rare to find households where only one parent works. In this day and age, and especially with this crappy economy, we need two incomes. Maybe if Michael hadn't been laid off from teaching, there could be a possibility that I could stay at home with her, but still. We need the money and the health insurance. I'm going to work because I love my family and I'm doing this for them.
- Abigail will be in good hands while I'm away. She will be spending her days with her Grammy (Michael's mom), who I trust to take very good care of her and love her as if she was her own.
- At least I'm a teacher! The pay isn't quite what a doctor makes (haha, yeah right!), but that's because I have all weekends, holidays and summers off. I am guaranteed to be home with her all those times, which is more than what I had with my parents who were the typical workaholic doctors who I rarely saw. As a teacher, I only work 186 days a year...which is pretty great, I think!
- Lastly, returning to work means that I'll be something else other than just a mom. Don't get me wrong. Stay at home mommyhood is hard! Sooo much work to do taking care of a little one and a household full of chores. But being at work means that I'll get to use my other talents. I went to school for so long in order to become a special education teacher, why throw that away? I will be able to help children with special needs and make a difference in their lives. Also, I'll be able to have adult conversation about things other than laundry, dirty diapers, drooling or sleeping schedules.
I keep telling myself these things over and over again. I think it'll be okay though. I know I'll be sad at first...but I'll be fine. I just hope I don't cry (at least not in front of my coworkers).
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