A year ago today...

A year ago today, we saw this:

I had a gut feeling that I was pregnant, but yet, when I saw the test develop, I remember my hands immediately started shaking and my face grew hot.  I was in such shock at what the digital test said, that I decided to repeat the test just so that I could make sure that I wasn't getting excited over nothing.

So I took a few more tests.  I remember still being nervous and then walking out of the bathroom to call Michael.  I admit now that I wish I was more calm about everything so that I could surprise him or tell him that he was going to become a dad in a fun way, but I was just still in such shock that I wouldn't have been able to hide the fact that I knew.  Thinking about that day, I can still vividly remember the excitement and the anxiousness that I felt.  I felt so happy that I could've danced, or sprouted wings and flown around the room.  And yet, I was scared and starting praying to God to watch over me and the tiny miracle that was just starting to happen inside of me. 

Fast forward a year, and now we're a family.  Having her was the best thing to ever happen to us.  Michael and I constantly look at each other and wonder what we did to deserve such a blessing.   

This little face just melts my heart every time!  

Sitting up for play time  :)

Things I Love

The way she giggles and smiles when she sees me walk into the room. 

Life is good.

Changed

You know what's funny?  I realized that it's been almost a year since we found out that I was pregnant.  When I was pregnant, we were beyond thrilled and thought of all the things that we had to look forward to with the coming of our little bundle of joy.  Along with that, we also wondered how our lives would change and all the things we may not be able to do.  We talked about how we would deal with those changes and whether or not we would miss being just a twosome.

But since she's been here, I really haven't even given a thought to those things.  I don't worry about missed movies or shows at the theater, being able to go shopping or anywhere I want and just spend my day wandering around, chances to go on quick trips to Vegas, or even just being able to sleep whenever and for however long.  It's funny because all those things seem so silly and little.  Someone asked me recently if I was sad about all the sacrifices that I make because of the baby.  My answer:  what sacrifices?  Having her in my life is the ultimate gift and blessing.

School is in Session!

It's official-- school is back into full swing.  I was very nervous and worried at first, but around 30 minutes into the first day, my jitters started to wear off and something inside me just clicked and made me think, "hey...I remember this! I've done this before."  It definitely was just like riding a bike.

It was very helpful, though, that many of the students in my class were ones that I had had before, or I was familiar with.  There was only one student that I knew nothing about, and although he is challenging to work with, I'm sure I'll get his behavior in line and after that, the academics should follow (at least I hope so!).  The students all asked about Abigail, and were all so excited to see pictures of her.  Of course, like any new parent, I have TONS of pictures ready to show to anyone and everyone.  Also, my desk area is studded with picture of my little cutie, and the students just ooh'd and ahh'd over her.  They're so sweet.

 I'm really happy with my class.  They're a good group, and despite some events that happened in the past, I'm trying my best to come into this school year with a positive and optimistic attitude.  My job certainly isn't easy...in fact, I know it's very hard.  However, I went to school for this and was trained to do what I do.  Not only that, but I know that I have a special talent to work with special needs.  I have faith in myself and in my capabilities.  As long as I keep reminding myself that, as well as maintain the balance between my work and home life, I'm certain this will be a good year.  I'll miss being at home with my little girl, but I'm doing this for her and my family.  Not only that, but I'm doing this for me.   I can do it! :)

15 Weeks

A few new milestones met:

- Even when I was pregnant, I knew that our girl had very strong legs, made evident by the way my whole stomach would move whenever she kicked.  But lately, Abigail has been showing her very strong desire to "stand up"!  She loves trying to bear weight on her legs when we're holding her up.  Also, when we have her laying down on her back, she has learned that she can kick her legs against the bed and she'll be able to scoot away.  Unfortunately, she hasn't yet learned how to control which direction she is scooting towards, which gets her a little frustrated.

- She's so much more comfortable sitting up now!  Of course, she can't sit up by herself yet, but when we put her in her Bumbo seat, she can sit up so well with very little head bobbing.  She has great control of her neck and head!  When she's sitting independently, she loves looking around and checking out the toys nearest to her, while still turning to look at us to make sure we haven't gone too far away.

Sitting up and having a nice chat with her Papa (Michael's dad)

- Abigail's back has really gotten a lot stronger too!  She's doing fabulous at tummy time!  Before, she would tired out after a minute on her stomach, and she'd end out with her head down on her blanket with her whimpering for someone to pick her up.  But just this morning, she was on her tummy for almost 15 minutes, and still she was just looking at her toys and smiling at her reflection on her tiny mirror.  She's getting better control and more strength in her forearms.  Sometimes it looks like she's doing little baby push ups.

(pardon the bed head)  :)

- She targets specific items and then reaches for them and grabs them.   When she's sitting in her car seat, she loves batting at her toys because she has learned that they make noise if she moves them.  She seems to find great satisfaction in seeing that she can make the toys move and make noise with them.  She's got a pretty tight grip too!  I've learned very quickly not to wear my hair down, or wear any jewelry right now.  I need to teach her to be gentle.

-  She clutches her hands as if she is praying.  She's amazed at her fingers.  She loves watching them wiggle.  It's cute just watching her as she discovers that each finger can move independently from one another.

- Abigail loves making all sorts of sounds now.  She shrieks, giggles, coos, gurgles and chuckles.  I love it!!  Also, she "talks" back when she is spoken to.  When someone talk to her, she sits and listens and when they have finished talking, she seems to "respond" with her little babbles.  SOOO cute especially because often times she shows emotion, for instance, her eye brows furrow, or she smiles while she's "talking" which totally looks like she's got something important to say.

- She recognizes familiar places, toys, people and routines.  She can tell the difference between familiar voices and faces.  She definitely lets us know who she wants because she'll scream until the correct parent is holding her.  Also, she knows when we are getting her ready to go somewhere because she's usually very excited to get into her car seat now.  She loves car rides!   And at bed time, she knows when we're about to swaddle her.  She could be really fussy, but as soon as we lay her down to swaddle her, she seems to know already and instantly calms down.  It's the weirdest thing.

- Before, while I'm feeding her, her hands would stay balled up into tight fists and would stay close to her sides or up against her chest.  Recently, she started taking her hand and gently touching my face with it and stroking my cheek.  Sometimes she'll stop eating for just a second just to smile.  AHH! This girl totally just melts my heart!

- Lastly, she LOVES playing soooooo much more now!  She loves when her daddy makes her "fly."  She loves putting rattles and teethers into her mouth.  She loves toys with lights and music.  She smiles so much more and laughs when we're teasing her with the toys.



She's getting SO much more fun.  I keep thinking at every stage that "it can't possibly get any better than this".... but somehow, she just keeps getting more and more fun!  She's such a strong and smart girl!  It's the neatest thing to see her do something by accident one day...and then all of a sudden, she's doing it on purpose and smiling because she's learned how to do something new.  With each day, she's showing us more and more of her personality.  My pride and joy to the millionth degree! :)

Back at Work

This past week I went back to work.  It wasn't even actually a full week.  It was 4 days...but that was definitely long enough!  :(

While it was nice to get out of the house and see my coworkers and feel the anticipation (and STRESS) of a brand new school year, I've really been having a hard time being away from Abigail.  In the morning, I get up and get all of my things ready for work (including my breast pump), then I wake Abbie up to feed her.  After feeding her, Michael takes her to get changed while I get dressed for work.  Once I'm ready, I hold her for a few more minutes until I need to leave.  That's when my stomach starts to churn and feels like it's twisted in knots.  Goodbyes typically last several minutes.  I tell her to be a good girl while I'm away and that I'll be back soon.  Once I hand her over, I shed a few tears and get my things and start walking out the door.  Michael's so sweet and knows that I need to give her one more hug and a kiss, so he calls me back into the house to say goodbye one more time.  That's basically how every morning has been.  While I'm at work, I'm constantly thinking about her.  There have been even times when I start to feel physically ill because I miss her so much.  I have the constant feeling that a piece of me is missing.  I hear that it'll get easier....and I'm hoping so.  But for now, it just sucks being away from her.

Thankfully, though, I know that she's in very very good hands.  This past week she was either with her dad, or with her Grammy.  I can't even express how thankful I am that they text me often and even send pictures to show me that Abigail is having fun and being taken care of.  Michael even sent me a little video of her playing and smiling.  Helps to put me a little at ease because it makes me feel like she's not too far away.

As soon as I got to work on the first day, I got this texted to me. :)

After work yesterday, I found this on the counter.  :)

How sweet!  :)
...they're definitely worth everything I do and more.

It's been tough, but I know I can do this.  Also, I'm thinking that once school officially starts on Monday, the students will definitely occupy most of my attention, so hopefully my day will go by faster.  Here's to a productive new school year!

Separation Anxiety

All good things must come to and end...and unfortunately, the end of my maternity leave/summer vacation is here.  :(  I've tried to avoid thinking about it, but because this weekend is slowly coming to a close, and with work starting-- I really can't avoid it any longer.  Technically, though, I went back to work last week...although I wasn't getting paid for it.  Like most teachers, I wanted to put some time into my classroom to get it ready for the new school year.  Michael came with me and helped me set up my classroom furniture and decorate my bulletin boards.  Abigail came too...she didn't help much, but she was a good girl and sat in her seat and played with her toy and watched us work.

Sadly, once this weekend is over I'll have to go back to work again, and this time, I won't be able to have them with me.  I've felt this anxiety about being away from my baby for quite some time now.  I think it first started the night we were discharged from the hospital after she was born.  Michael's mom & stepdad had brought us home from the hospital and told us not to hesitate calling them if we needed anything at all.  Little did we know that we would be calling them later that night.  It was supposed to be our first night at home as a family....but things changed as soon as I got a call from my brother telling me that my dad had had a stroke and was being rushed to the hospital.  At first I didn't want to leave, and prayed that it wasn't anything major.  He had had a "mini-stroke" before, and was just kept in the hospital overnight to be observed.  But within the hour, I got another call from my brother telling me that I NEEDED to come to the hospital right away because things were very bad and my dad would need surgery to clear out the blood that was filling his brain.  My brother, who is usually very serious and reserved with his feelings, was crying and he told me that the doctors told him that they were going to do all that they could, but they weren't even sure if he would survive the surgery.  Knowing that you really shouldn't bring a newborn baby to the hospital to wait in the emergency room, we knew that we couldn't bring Abigail with us.  I felt so torn because I had just brought my baby home for the first time, and now I had to leave her already.  I didn't want to leave--- but on the other hand, my dad was rushed to the hospital after having a severe stroke and was dying.  There was no question that I needed to be there.  That's when we called Michael's mom & dad back and asked them to watch the baby.  You can only imagine how much my heart hurt that night.  In case you didn't know or may have forgotten, because of the complicated delivery, I had separated my pubic bone and wasn't even able to walk.  I had the use of a walker, and even making my way out of the car and up the stairs to our apartment took almost 40 minutes when we first came home.  But that night, the rain was pouring down and I hurried down the stairs and into the car in less than 10 minutes.  I was so numb from what was going on inside my head that I didn't even stop to think about the fact that I was in physical pain.  The sad part is, that although we hurried, we didn't make it to the hospital in time to see my dad before he went in for surgery.  My brother asked the doctor to wait for me, but they couldn't wait any longer and they needed to take him in.  When we got to the hospital, we sat in the waiting room for hours.  I didn't sleep at all that night.  All I could think about was my dad and my baby.  I think it was around then that I started to get my separation anxiety.  As my dad's condition worsened over the next few days and until he passed away, Abigail was the reason that I was able to keep my head straight and cope with everything.  My dad's last words to me were to take good care of her.  And I think I took all the sadness I felt and channeled it into love towards her.  Whenever I missed my dad, I'd put that energy into taking care of her.  Take all of those feelings, plus the normal bond a mom has with her baby and what do you get?  Apparently that's what I have.

Anyways, in the weeks leading up to this, I've been making a list of things to help me feel better about leaving my baby to go to work.  This is what I have come up with:

• I should be thankful that I've been able to have this much time off with her, and still have a job to go back to!  I've been out of work since April 1st.  I started my maternity leave 4 weeks before my due date.  She was born on May 13th, and is a little over 14 weeks.  In total, I've had almost 20 weeks off of work....and I still have a job!  In fact, not only is my job safe, but as soon as I go back, I get my tenure!  I'm tellin' you...it's all about timing!  As a teacher, if you get pregnant in the summer, you go out on maternity right around spring break and you can ride it through until summer vacation!  I'm so lucky it all worked out that way for me! :)
• Every one works.  It's rare to find households where only one parent works.  In this day and age, and especially with this crappy economy, we need two incomes.  Maybe if Michael hadn't been laid off from teaching, there could be a possibility that I could stay at home with her, but still.  We need the money and the health insurance.  I'm going to work because I love my family and I'm doing this for them.
• Abigail will be in good hands while I'm away.  She will be spending her days with her Grammy (Michael's mom), who I trust to take very good care of her and love her as if she was her own.
• At least I'm a teacher!  The pay isn't quite what a doctor makes (haha, yeah right!), but that's because I have all weekends, holidays and summers off.  I am guaranteed to be home with her all those times, which is more than what I had with my parents who were the typical workaholic doctors who I rarely saw.  As a teacher, I only work 186 days a year...which is pretty great, I think!
• Lastly, returning to work means that I'll be something else other than just a mom.  Don't get me wrong.  Stay at home mommyhood is hard!  Sooo much work to do taking care of a little one and a household full of chores.  But being at work means that I'll get to use my other talents.  I went to school for so long in order to become a special education teacher, why throw that away?  I will be able to help children with special needs and make a difference in their lives.  Also, I'll be able to have adult conversation about things other than laundry, dirty diapers, drooling or sleeping schedules. 

I keep telling myself these things over and over again.  I think it'll be okay though.  I know I'll be sad at first...but I'll be fine.  I just hope I don't cry (at least not in front of my coworkers).